Sticky Business

Good Evening,

Okay, so it's early. I'm going to watch the Mavericks play the Heat. I started out as a Heat fan (well, I'm a Celtics fan but they're out of it, you know.) I though LeBron deserved to win. I followed the story and the horror when he left Cleveland and said, we all said... Dwayne Wade and Lebron James? Championship! Plus, I love Dwayne in the commercials with Charles Barkley.

But then I started watching the playoffs and Dirk and Jason Kidd and that little Puerto Rican player, they stole my heart. So tonight I'll be watching the game, maybe a championship game for the Mavericks. We shall see.

But here's my story tonight. I had acupunture recently. I didn't set out to have it done, I was seeing my chiropractor, a lovely lady named Doctor Vicky and she mentioned she does it and thought it might help my mouth pain. Oh, okay, I'll call for an appointment, I said, not meaning it. I'm free now, she said. Oh, well, I stammered. But them she brought out the big guns. She not only does acupunture, SHE WIRES THE NEEDLES TO ELECTRODES. SHE RUNS ELECTRICAL CURRENT THROUGH THE NEEDLES.

Torture? How could I say no? I got strapped to the table (just  kidding) and she stuck in the needles. It won't hurt, she said, they always say that. Four in each side of my jaw, several in my feet, hands...Then she got out the jumper cables. Let me know when you feel it, she said, turning up the dial. I looked around anxiously for the big Indian from Cukoo's Nest. I FEEL IT, I said.

She left me alone for twenty minutes. Call if you need anything, she said. And the beat of Battle Hymn of the Republic banged away at my face. Somehow I knew if I opened my mouth, I was really going to pay for it. So I suffered in the silence I have come to know and expect.

Suffering. I'm just a little bit addicted to it. Here's my poem.

REVISING MY LIFE

I lay awake at night and pretend I'm twenty-four
I'm a contestant on American Idol
I'm the Bachelorette
I'm a sought after screenwriter
My breasts are plump
I'm a good basketball player having played for the WNBA
And my mother is younger than I am now
I am an only child
My father died in the Gulf War
I will not have children in my twenties
I'm beautiful but accessible
I have suffered much but no one knows
Because I don't tell
I don't need to tell
The suffering I've endured has made cosmic sense
I've loved a woman
But have returned to men
I have done it all
I'm twenty-four
And I don't miss any of you
And I'm just too damned perfect to live another year.

Love,
Maura at Night
(go Mavs!)
P.S. Doctor Vicky is going to do some new fangled thing to my vagina in two weeks. You know you want to know about it!