I'm just a little bit addicted...

Hello there,

I'm actually tired enough to sleep but haven't written in a few days. Just returned from Miami where I stayed with my son and his fiance and her daughter. Now I'm in my NYC apt with my daughter who is mad at me. I just want to chill out for a little while before I resume my life as Master of the Universe, solving problems, giving advice, being selfless.

I'd rather talk about my addictions. My other daughter has her entire family on a diet that excludes grains. Turns out we're all allergic to them, who know. So of course I'm going to give them up, too. I have this wild idea that giving up grains will turn back the clock ten years. I don't mind looking like hell, I just don't want to feel like hell.

But here's the problem. Turns out I'm a little bit addicted to grains. I couldn't have told you this yesterday, but since I made up my mind to give them up (after a breakfast that included a Danish and an English muffin), I have a terrible craving.

Here are the things I am addicted to. Some I haven't had in years, some not since this morning.

Wine, cigarettes, good wine, daydreaming, complaining, bad wine, popcorn, The Office, bread, garlic olive oil on bread, Ezekiel bread, gossip, looking at Facebook, stalking people on Facebook, looking at myself in the mirror, Lindt chocolates (dark), imagining saying horrible things to strangers, conspiracy theories, books about serial killers, martyrdom, People Magazine, Kindle downloads, Itunes downloads, avoiding confrontation, coffee, Twinings tea made with two teabags, decaf coffee at night, Phish Food, did I say popcorn oh yeah, my Blackberry, and that's about it. I'm pretty sure I'm not addicted to fruit, vegetables or maybe even cake because I like them but don't really give a hoot otherwise. The above list is incomplete but I'm not ready to confess to everything. Oh, I forgot hot baths. These are all things I have either given up or am pretty sure I never will.

Here's a poem for tonight.

I'm having a midlife crisis
Shit
I thought I got through that ten years ago
When I left my husband for a maniac
Turns out it was just a bad decision
The true insanity is still ahead
But not far ahead
It's right around the corner
I'm already plotting something big
I meet strangers with funny accents and I imagine
Going to pieces with them
Far away from here
I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and
I'm shocked
I don't know that person
I want to go someplace without mirrors
If I can't see myself
Then neither can all the people
And emails
And voice mails
And text messages
And time bombs
Who are either waiting for me to drop the ball
Or want me to pick the fucking thing back up
And run like hell down their own mine fields
In my dreams I levitate and float
Everything is really close up
Like a movie
How about I just float right out of here
Maybe start the whole thing over
This time I'm going to be a real slacker
Then everything that comes will feel like winning the lottery
And every year I'm alive like money in the bank
I didn't expect to live forever
But I thought I'd always be me.

Hey, if you have a poem that means a lot to you, please send it to me. I'll post it one day. I'll write about it. Poems are people to.

Love,
Maura at Night