Hello Out There,
I just reread my old posts. I have eight followers. In one post, I announce that I've given up exclamation marks. In another post, I announce that I'm sober. Both things are no longer true. Well, actually I am sober but I stopped being sober after I wrote that post. I'm what they call in AA a "habitual relapser."
But I have news for you. Good news, if you're like me. A habitual relapser. (Or is it an habitual replapser?)
At any rate, I'm sober like three weeks. And the craving was crazy intense UNTIL I gave up caffeine. Horrors, you say. (I'm going to stick to my ban on exclamation marks.) Horrors, you say. I realized I was really hooked on caffeine when I realized if I had to make the choice between coffee and wine, I would choose coffee. And I wanted wine. Bad.
But that's not why I gave it up. I mean, if knowing you were hooked was all it took, we'd all be straight up. No. I gave it up because one day last week, I drank my usual two cups (yes, I only drank two cups a day.) And didn't eat all my breakfast. And had to take a sleeping pill to get to sleep. Did I mention that I'm an insomniac? Hence the title: Maura at Night.
So I cut down to one cup a day. Guess what? I slept like a rock. And then it hit me. I've been torturing myself drinking coffee since I was fourteen years old. That's when it all started. Depression. Sleep disorders. Obsessive thinking. Low self esteem. (That's a given.) Followed shortly by loss of virginity. More losses of virginity. Drinking gallons of beer. Discovering scotch. Real foolishness. Heartbreak. Divorce(s). I can trace it all back to drinking coffee. This isn't a joke. This is my reality.
I have been betrayed by coffee. I know this is an unpopular position. Most people - myself included in the past - do not want to hear about this. I am liberated. I am caffeine-free and I'm not going back.
I have not craved alcohol since I gave up coffee. I mean, I would still like to drink. But it's not making me crazy. Wine is a fond memory. I feel, I really feel that my fourteen year-old self is standing by. Cheering me on. Calmly. Hand on my shoulder and all that. I might make it after all.
Love,
Maura at Night
