...in other words, I don't have a title. I suppose I should have a subject but the truth is, I'm bored and feeling guilty - always guilty - that I started this blog and then stopped. So here's what is going on. I'm sober 7 months. Last time I wrote I was sober 4 months. (I know because I just reread my last blog and said so.) I really still want to drink. And I'm thinking of taking LSD. If I could locate a guardian who would keep me from smoking cigarettes, I so would drop some acid. Or eat mushrooms. Or something.
Maybe I'm just getting old. Well, truth. I'm about to turn 59. It's unbelievable. I haven't felt - really felt - like I'm aging until now. Because after 59 is fucking 60. And I can't pretend Prince Charming is going to rescue me anymore. He definitely wants a younger lady.
My dream is to somehow have enough money to rent a room with a nice bed. And have a maid come in once a week. And I'll just live there. I can eat very well in food co-ops. And hang out at libraries. Well, I don't know why I said that. I don't go to libraries except to meet people. Then I take pictures of all the books I want to read. I don't have much memory anymore. So I take pictures or send myself texts. And then they disappear.
I really thought something would "happen" by now. You know what I mean. Some kind of penetrating notoriety or... fame. (I'm into the dot dot dot thing.) I did take a stand-up class and lo and behold, I got up and did it. It's on YouTube. Check it out. I'm pretty fucking funny. Then I did the act again for a bored audience. At least they were bored before I got up and remained bored while I was revealing my silliness. So now I realize I have to really "work the crowd". I'm going to take an improv class next. I will probably hate it. But if I want to do stand-up (and I have something to prove to myself), I have to be ready for anything. Because I always want to win. Which takes me back to my previous statement. That I thought something would happen by now. I guess I haven't given up.
Here's a poem for today.
Hey baby, have you tried Baclofen?
It's a drug for drunks.
Cures anxiety.
Makes you normal. Again. Or for the first time.
Happiness is a stable mind.
The Baclofen people say that we're addicted because we're anxious.
Hel-looooo.
They say it's scientific.
So give me some!
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Either give me some Baclofen or some really good red wine.
Because I'm REALLY FUCKING ANXIOUS ABOUT IT.
Okay, I'll just chug a Diet Sprite.
And drill out the lining of my stomach.
One way or another - I'm pretty sure I'm fucked.
Baclofen. Baclofen. Baclofen.
Sounds like the name of a Prince from a Mel Brooks movie.
Baclofen. I love you, Baclofen.
Lay me down and do me, Baclofen.
I'm really all yours.
Good night- Maura at Night
Friday, December 5, 2014
Friday, August 15, 2014
No exclamation point
Hello Everyone,
I'm back. Did you miss me? I'm trying not to use exclamation marks and here's why. They're overused. I hate false enthusiasm. Happy birthday (!), everyone posts on Facebook. To people they don't really know. I do it all the time. But now I've stopped using the exclamation mark. It's a form of protest. Try this out. "Congratulations on your anniversary." Or, "I'm so sorry that happened." Or, "Happy birthday." Or, "That's hilarious." Or, "I can't wait to see you." Or, "Have fun." Or, "You're wonderful." The last two I actually lifted from Facebook just now. Don't they look more sincere without the exclamation mark?
Here's the other trouble. I'm trying to be humble while writing this but at the same time trying to figure out how to get people to read it without posting it on Facebook. I mean, is there any other thing in the world except frigging Facebook? I'm getting sick of it. No offense to anyone. But it's really kind of disgusting. All this self-absorption.
I started this blog a few years ago. I had just quit drinking after eleven years of trying to be a social drinker. I had been sober twelve years before that. Well, I relapsed after a year and three quarters and drank for a year or so and now am sober again. (I almost capitalized "again". The same thing as an exclamation mark. Or is it point? I forget.) I'm sober for almost four months. I want to drink almost all the time. I go to meetings, I fantasize about killing myself and I also fantasize about moving far away and starting over again as a social drinker. I have an AA sponsor who is really nice but I feel guilty whenever I talk to her. I know it's not her fault, but I feel like she's judging me. I try and tell her sober stuff and she sort of goes, "Uh huh." Like she's waiting for me to tell her something better. But I don't have anything better. I'm just trying not to drink and I really, really want to drink. (Now I'm thinking that not using capitals and exclamation marks is sort of passive aggressive.)
There is absolutely no way anyone is going to find this blog unless I advertise it. I mean, there is simply too much stuff on the internet. It's absolutely amazing. And I'm so glad about it - I can look up anything I want. I'm tempted to create an avatar and start a new life. Like a role playing thing -I'm sure they have them. Trouble is that I think I would never stop. Let's see, I think I'd like a fantasy life on the internet as a lesbian, as a dude, I think that's all. I must be queer. I keep thinking that if I'm sober long enough or simply live long enough I'll find out I'm a lesbian. I am attracted to girls, I just don't want to have sex with them. For that matter, I don't really want to have sex with anyone. I'm kind of over it.
So that's all for now. I think good blogs are kind of short. It's asking a lot of people to read your crap in the first place. Well. Signing off. I hope I become famous one day (after I'm dead) and then this blog gets discovered and all my wisdom gets uncovered.
Signed,
Maura At Night
I'm back. Did you miss me? I'm trying not to use exclamation marks and here's why. They're overused. I hate false enthusiasm. Happy birthday (!), everyone posts on Facebook. To people they don't really know. I do it all the time. But now I've stopped using the exclamation mark. It's a form of protest. Try this out. "Congratulations on your anniversary." Or, "I'm so sorry that happened." Or, "Happy birthday." Or, "That's hilarious." Or, "I can't wait to see you." Or, "Have fun." Or, "You're wonderful." The last two I actually lifted from Facebook just now. Don't they look more sincere without the exclamation mark?
Here's the other trouble. I'm trying to be humble while writing this but at the same time trying to figure out how to get people to read it without posting it on Facebook. I mean, is there any other thing in the world except frigging Facebook? I'm getting sick of it. No offense to anyone. But it's really kind of disgusting. All this self-absorption.
I started this blog a few years ago. I had just quit drinking after eleven years of trying to be a social drinker. I had been sober twelve years before that. Well, I relapsed after a year and three quarters and drank for a year or so and now am sober again. (I almost capitalized "again". The same thing as an exclamation mark. Or is it point? I forget.) I'm sober for almost four months. I want to drink almost all the time. I go to meetings, I fantasize about killing myself and I also fantasize about moving far away and starting over again as a social drinker. I have an AA sponsor who is really nice but I feel guilty whenever I talk to her. I know it's not her fault, but I feel like she's judging me. I try and tell her sober stuff and she sort of goes, "Uh huh." Like she's waiting for me to tell her something better. But I don't have anything better. I'm just trying not to drink and I really, really want to drink. (Now I'm thinking that not using capitals and exclamation marks is sort of passive aggressive.)
There is absolutely no way anyone is going to find this blog unless I advertise it. I mean, there is simply too much stuff on the internet. It's absolutely amazing. And I'm so glad about it - I can look up anything I want. I'm tempted to create an avatar and start a new life. Like a role playing thing -I'm sure they have them. Trouble is that I think I would never stop. Let's see, I think I'd like a fantasy life on the internet as a lesbian, as a dude, I think that's all. I must be queer. I keep thinking that if I'm sober long enough or simply live long enough I'll find out I'm a lesbian. I am attracted to girls, I just don't want to have sex with them. For that matter, I don't really want to have sex with anyone. I'm kind of over it.
So that's all for now. I think good blogs are kind of short. It's asking a lot of people to read your crap in the first place. Well. Signing off. I hope I become famous one day (after I'm dead) and then this blog gets discovered and all my wisdom gets uncovered.
Signed,
Maura At Night
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