The Cusp Of Everything...

...in other words, I don't have a title. I suppose I should have a subject but the truth is, I'm bored and feeling guilty - always guilty - that I started this blog and then stopped. So here's what is going on. I'm sober 7 months. Last time I wrote I was sober 4 months. (I know because I just reread my last blog and said so.) I really still want to drink. And I'm thinking of taking LSD. If I could locate a guardian who would keep me from smoking cigarettes, I so would drop some acid. Or eat mushrooms. Or something.

Maybe I'm just getting old. Well, truth. I'm about to turn 59. It's unbelievable. I haven't felt - really felt - like I'm aging until now. Because after 59 is fucking 60. And I can't pretend Prince Charming is going to rescue me anymore. He definitely wants a younger lady.

My dream is to somehow have enough money to rent a room with a nice bed. And have a maid come in once a week. And I'll just live there. I can eat very well in food co-ops. And hang out at libraries. Well, I don't know why I said that. I don't go to libraries except to meet people. Then I take pictures of all the books I want to read. I don't have much memory anymore. So I take pictures or send myself texts. And then they disappear.

I really thought something would "happen" by now. You know what I mean. Some kind of penetrating notoriety or... fame. (I'm into the dot dot dot thing.) I did take a stand-up class and lo and behold, I got up and did it. It's on YouTube. Check it out. I'm pretty fucking funny. Then I did the act again for a bored audience. At least they were bored before I got up and remained bored while I was revealing my silliness. So now I realize I have to really "work the crowd". I'm going to take an improv class next. I will probably hate it. But if I want to do stand-up (and I have something to prove to myself), I have to be ready for anything. Because I always want to win. Which takes me back to my previous statement. That I thought something would happen by now. I guess I haven't given up.

Here's a poem for today.

Hey baby, have you tried Baclofen?
It's a drug for drunks.
Cures anxiety.
Makes you normal. Again. Or for the first time.
Happiness is a stable mind.
The Baclofen people say that we're addicted because we're anxious.
Hel-looooo.
They say it's scientific.
So give me some!
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Either give me some Baclofen or some really good red wine.
Because I'm REALLY FUCKING ANXIOUS ABOUT IT.
Okay, I'll just chug a Diet Sprite.
And drill out the lining of my stomach.
One way or another - I'm pretty sure I'm fucked.
Baclofen. Baclofen. Baclofen.
Sounds like the name of a Prince from a Mel Brooks movie.
Baclofen. I love you, Baclofen.
Lay me down and do me, Baclofen.
I'm really all yours.

Good night- Maura at Night